7 scandalous lighting headlines for a “post-truth” world

Modern social media seems to be turbo-charging a constant stream of fake news, bogus claims and empty promises.  Even the rather boring lighting industry can’t escape the nonsense.  So for the end of year, a bit of lighting industry insider humor.  Enjoy!

7 shocking revelations that will change your view of the world!

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Orange Street Lighting Proven to Shrink Women’s Libidos

Italian researchers in the fashion capital of Milan have demonstrated a proven link between orange “sodium” street lighting and a decrease in women’s sexual appetites.  The monochromatic orange light leaves everything inside your home to look flat and deathly grey; the pronounced psychological effect causes women to feel depressed. “I look like a pumpkin!  How can I feel sexy with that awful light blasting through my window?” sobbed Sheila Right. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child but the mood is just never right!”    Mario Luce, lead researcher, claims that “city governments are trading women’s happiness for saving money…we have the technology today to fix this negligence, leaving the street lighting outside where it belongs.” Modern LED lighting is a quick fix for women’s sex lives – offering a more natural color of lighting with the technology to dim and aim the light away from your window…

 

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The Right Light Cures Your Hangover

Need to brace yourself against this cold, dark weather?  Did you indulge a bit too much last night?  Forget your old hangover tricks and try a scientifically proven new technology that uses nothing but light to help you wake up faster and clear the pain from your brain!  Scientists at a Swedish University ran a clinical trial with co-eds using a special new blue light that resets the melatonin cycle in the body and reduces the effects of hangovers.  And this light comes with extra benefits:  “The special blue light clears my complexion!” proclaims Helga Söt, a research assistant from the small town of Snuffleupagus….

 

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Are Your Employees Lazy?  Try Changing the Lighting

Is your team slacking big time?   Can’t seem to get your employees to do anything other than check Facebook?   Japanese researchers have discovered that patterns of small points of light “embedded” into office ceilings digitally replicate natural patterns of light, triggering primal receptors to heighten mindfulness and focus. “My office installed this new ceiling lighting and I felt totally more attuned to my work” claims Betty Draper, a receptionist at a downtown advertising firm…

 

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Your Kid Didn’t Get Accepted to College – Blame the Lighting in Her School

Scientists at MIT have determined that fluorescent lighting reduces kid’s attention spans, lowering their SAT scores.  “We were devastated when Mikey was rejected from Harvard and had to settle for Stanford” claims his mother, Prissy Smith.  “But now we know it wasn’t our fault or Mikey’s fault.  The school system kept their sub-standard lighting to save a buck and it cost our son his chances at a good future.  If they had only upgraded to modern LED lighting…

 

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Revealed!  How Big Coal is Stealing Your Cash with Cheap Light Bulbs

Ever wonder why old-fashioned light bulbs are so cheap to buy?  A union whistleblower revealed a nationwide scandal where the price tags of high-wattage light bulbs are being secretly lowered by Big Coal companies that don’t want you to know how much electricity these energy-hogs really consume.  “These rich guys are robbing little old ladies of their pension checks and no one is doing anything about it” claims the whistleblower, his identity hidden to protect his ongoing legal case.  “Shameful!” cried 85 year old Dorothy Bots, as she pushed her walker into the kitchen.  “I had no idea that buying that newfangled LED bulb would save me so much money.  They totally tricked me.  And I’m on a fixed income struggling to afford my new car…

 

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New LED Lighting Makes You Look 5 Years Younger

How is it that Dutch supermodel Doutzen Kroes doesn’t seem to age a day?  The secret is revealed as researchers in her native Holland have created a high-tech LED light bulb that has been clinically proven to make women appear up to five years younger.  “We combined the magic of golden candle light with specially designed optics to flatter the contours of women’s faces – plus we added patented digitally controlled light waves that enhance the appearance of cosmetics” claims Senior Research Director Jan Nep.  “You can set your age with an app!

 

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New Startup Promises That You’ll Look Extra Hot Tonight With This New Lighting Tech

Girls-in-the-know who want that extra bit of dazzle on their special date are fighting to get into the fab new restaurant HotLux in the Back Bay.  Famous interior designer Rem Zahar added a special light source in the center of each table that is engineered for romance.  According to Rem: “the light effect makes the patrons look that extra bit gorgeous — the light has this magical warmth to it that brings out the sheen of your skin, the natural glow of your face.  The ripples of light that pass across the wall add a slight sparkle to everything.”  The special lighting was designed by the hot Silicon Valley startup Wickster, whose Founder and CEO Jack Youngster details “through our R+D process we listened intently to what Rem and his team wanted, this rich warmth and natural feeling to light; Rem particularly wanted the ritual of striking a match as part of the restaurant – and even though we had to pivot our whole business model to a consumables approach, we think the end result speaks for itself.  We’re in process for filing our IP and going for our Series C funding soon…”  Added waitress Dotty Daisy, “the lighting is so romantic! This is like totally the place to snag a rich husband…

 


So, why seven headlines?

Lust: Orange Street Lighting Proven to Shrink Women’s Libido

Gluttony: The Right Light Helps Cure Your Hangover

Greed: Are Your Employees Lazy?  Trying Changing the Lighting

Sloth: Your Kid Didn’t Get Accepted to College – Blame the Lighting at His School

Wrath: Revealed!  How Big Coal is Robbing You Blind with Incandescent Lighting

Envy: New LED Lighting Makes You Look 5 Years Younger

Pride: New Startup Promises You’ll Look Extra Hot Tonight

 

bullshit

Good riddance 2016!

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About Brad Koerner

Venture Manager - Luminous Patterns Philips Lighting
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